*Breaking News* Vehicles in Calgary No Longer Have Turn Signals!

This will come to many people as no incredible revelation, as drivers in Calgary have gotten used to their fellow motorists not signaling before they make a right or left turn or changing lanes – especially on Leadfoot Trail… I mean Deerfoot Trail. (Whoops! My bad!) This has been happening for years, but the province (bending to the whims of the Society of Idiot Drivers) has now made it legal for no one to use their turn indicators – no matter how safe or prudent it is.

All vehicles being sold in Calgary now no longer have turn indicators so that all vehicles are now a menace on the streets. Anyone caught trying to signal using their arms or hands will be put in the stockades for one week and be forced to listen to Rob Anders as he insults veterans, atheists, women, homosexuals and the CBC by quoting from the Reform Party handbook while he randomly fires his shotgun.

Vehicles that currently have turn indicators will be required to go to their nearest overpriced car dealership to have their indicators removed. Low income Calgarians who can’t afford to have these ancient devices removed can call a member of the Society of Idiot Drivers who will come to their house and rip the wretched turn indicator from their steering column in a now-patented fit of road rage. No, these vehicle owners are not allowed to set up lawn chairs and charge admission to their neighbors as the SID’s member’s blood vessels pop on their forehead.

All newcomers to Calgary will be required to undergo extensive re-training to reflect the Calgary way of driving – unsafe, ruthless, reckless and entitled. People that have pacemakers should be aware that this extensive re-training involves substantive use of electric currents.

If any driver sees another driver who attempts to be courteous, safe and law-abiding by signalling where their vehicle is about to turn, they have the right to take both hands off the wheel and call or text the proper authorities while they continue to drive without regard for anyone else around them and force this safe driver off the road where they belong.

This major change to the Highway Safety Act comes about for two reasons: no one uses their turn indicators anyway; and these instruments have become bothersome to those that fix their hair, eat their lunch, text their friends, have their mangy purse dogs in their laps and make goo goo eyes at other drivers. These darned turn indicators have just become a nuisance to the modern driver!

Yes, it is high time we finally got rid of these horrible devices! When driving behind you, I don’t want to know which way you’re going to go until the last possible nanosecond. Don’t show anyone which lane you’re going to move into. I insist you slam your vehicle into the side of another car or clip its front end – you own the road – I forgot. How dare that safe driver get annoyed when you lurch over into another lane while you text your friends on Twitter about the deal you just got on spaghetti sauce at Safeway. The nerve of them!

I hope this announcement doesn’t irk the minority of safe drivers in Calgary too much. You’re going to have to get used to it. It’s Calgary after all – where the vast majority of drivers got their driver’s licences from the bottom of Cracker Jack boxes.